The Mailbox

I really used to look forward to the arrival of the mailman.  That was before I had to worry about bills and sorting through lots of junk mail to make sure I didn't miss any.  I'd get postcards from my kids if they were traveling; cards from cousins, photos taken by friends and best of all, once in a great while, a letter actually written by hand.  But that was long ago......Today e-mails replace the personal forms of communication so the mail is largely bills and ads.  So I have radically adjusted my excitement quotient when going to the mailbox and figure it's a good day if a magazine I actually ordered arrives, or if I get coupons that save me money at local restaurants.

But going to the mailbox today was a real downer.  I retrieved a magazine, one bill and a cellophane-wrapped packet of cards that looked like it might contain some good coupons.  So I ripped open the cellophane and at first, things didn't look too bad.  There was an ad for people 60+ for a 12-day cruise to the Caribbean, some things about furnace and floor cleaning, but it went rapidly downhill from there.  I WAS THE RECIPIENT OF TARGETED MAIL FOR OLDSTERS!

I kid you not--this is what followed:  I  could order a "hand-painted, fully sculpted holster and revolver replica inspired by the one John Wayne carried in his Classic Westerns OR I could "discover the best of times in Good Old Days magazine with a "free issue."

Then, things started getting somewhat depressing:  I  could "instantly take 10 to 15 pounds off" with "magnetic slimming panties"; order non-binding socks for my chronic foot problems; get "easy beautiful, affordable wigs and hairpiecess s"; and most promising of all (although I am not a man) I could call about the "Vacurect" vacuum erection device which is reimbursable by medicare and comes with a lifetime warranty!

It got worse as the cards starting asking me frightening questions:  "Do you have constant ringing in your ears?"; COPD?  chronic bronchitis? emphysema? asthma? back pain?  Offers followed: mechanical remedies for all these chronic conditions such as "gentle catheters", traveling oxygen, hearing aids and hearing aid batteries, life alert buttons, bathtubs with doors to step in, "Hoveround"power chairs and adjustable beds.  I could also qualify for a free blood pressure or a blood glucose monitor.  What luck, I thought.  This was starting to get good, something for free.

But the best was yet to come--the most ingenious device of all-the "Solution ComfortSeat" which helps you "if you are having trouble wiping" due to physical challenges such as arthritis, parkinson's, obesity, hemorrhoids, strokes, AND MORE.  What more could there be?  This ingenious device "allows users to wash themselves clean with the press of a button.  No plumber required!" (I didn't know I needed a plumber to stand by when I went to the bathroom, although I have known several obese persons who probably could have used one).

Then, just when I couldn't stand to see the next card, peace arrived-cremation for only $880.

Tomorrow is Sunday, for which I am very grateful.  No mail delivery.  Maybe ceasing mail delivery on Saturdays IS a good idea.